Reluctant to Change

This is exciting! I am starting to write articles and hopefully they are good enough to be printed and read. It feels great to share your thoughts, exchange ideas with complete strangers right? You pour your heart out in hope somewhere out there, someone may be facing the same thing and can relate. Thus, you feel less lonely.

So here goes.

I will be starting work at Ministry of Education after the Secretary General signs my placement letter. So in the meantime, I am back at my desk in NRE.

NRE is a place I call my second home, to some extent my only home (if you ask my mother!). Seven glorious years, full of ups and downs, sweat and tears..and a few pints of blood. So is it any wonder that I feel like I just amputated my left arm when I walked out of here?

My Division, Administration and Finance is not a group of people working a common goal. We are a family. They are the people who welcomed me into their arms and hearts when the world has given up on me. That kind of love is unconditional. I am lucky to experience this.

Sure, like all families, we have disputes, arguments, fall outs. But in the spirit of giving our best, we overlook this and continue to work harmoniously. The bigger the obstacle, the stronger we become, entwined in a bond that is unbreakable.

I feel at home here. If I feel sad, all I have to do is go out of my room, have a chat with the other staff and I feel a whole lot better. A little depressed and I surround myself in greenery in a little piece of heaven called NRE in the Forest. You never feel out of place here. You are always welcome.

But I welcome new challenges. I am up to meet my new family in MOE. I hope they share their hearts with me as my previous family has.

Here's to changes. May it builds our character, make us into a better person and fill our hearts with joy.

You have only one chance on this earth. Let's make it great.

Learn From Me

This is indeed the hardest entry I can ever write. I promised myself that I would pen this experience down..on my birthday, when I am ready. So here I am, on my second day of being 33. A day I thought would never come. A year ago, in the merry month of February, right after Chinese New Year holidays...something happened to me. Depression, my friends, can come in many forms, and are often undetected. So it is very important that we see certain signs especially on the people close to us. A depressed person almost never realize they are depressed...until it is too late. A lot of things happened to me in the past, which made me bitter and angry. But this, was never shown, I was always to be seen as this cheerful person..full of laughs..No one would suspect under these happy exterior was a very dark person, who won't even blink, once deciding to make someone elses life miserable. So at this point of time, I stopped praying. Why, I ask would I pray to a God who has forsaken me? Has made me suffer, misunderstood my intentions? Never answering my prayers? I was, even as a child, has lead many lives, wore many masks. At home, I was the ideal child, obedient...at school, I was the overachiever, craving for success, to be the best. In Uni, I was the formidable opponent, the avenger for the environment. I can tell you from experience, when you stop praying, you have this void that never seems to be filled. Your soul becomes weak, and you look for things that will make you happy. Then suddenly you feel lost. That was the day I lost my soul. It was a normal day at work, I was in front of my PC. It was then..my screen changed. Have any of you received that power point on "40days before your death"? In a nutshell, this was the jist of the presentation : 40 days before : After Asar, you will feel vibrations on your belly button, and hit with a sudden sense of lost - "Check" 7 days before : You have lost your appetite within this 40 days, then suddenly you have to eat uncontrollably - "Check" 3 days before : A pulsating sensation on your forehead, your eyes has lost its shine - "Check" 1 day before : A throbbing pain on your upper forehead (ubun-ubun) and a feeling that you won't be here tomorrow - "Check" On D-Day : Cold sensation from your middle part of the body to your toes. At this point..my eyes were filled with tears..and i tried to say the Syahadah..but I couldn't. Suddenly life is flashed in front of your eyes, you feel regret on the things you have done and have yet to do. Before this episode, I was told that I was behaving peculiar. I was repeating questions..I went to see my SUB, confessing my sins, crying, getting agry (but seriously, I have no recollection on this). Then came The Voice. Basically he told me.."Time is up. You have to die now." Seriously, I kid you not. He told me to go to the end of my office, on the 12th Floor, and throw myself down. No! I told him. I cannot die this way...I am a Muslim..this is not the way to die. He mocked me..a Muslim? But you don't even pray..you don't even believe in Him..so why should you live? But what about my life? I am only 31..I begged for my life, to be given another chance. He asked me..Who is your God? I tried to answer "Allah", but I couldn't. My heart was at my throat..I was so scared. The sky has become dark, and suddenly the world crashed in front of me. There was a faint call of the Azan for Asar. That was the sweetest sound I have ever heard...He then told me this would be the last Azan I would hear. Alhamdulillah..another voice came, a gentle male voice, asking me, "Who would you think can save you now? Call her." I of course, called my Mum. I asked her..Who is the One True God? Is Islam the the Right Faith? Long story short....My mum had to hang up because she had to pray...I can't remember how long I talked to her..I never heard her cry for a long time (I'm tearing up now)...for once in my life..I knew she loved me..I have always regarded her as my enemy.. I remember running down the stairs, to escape the Harsh Voice..Gentle Voice was telling me to fight..The next thing I remember I was in in the hospital...my mother was sleeping next to me...I was then taken back to a time when I loved sleeping with my mum next to me..I was a child, smiling..laughing..promising to my cat..that I would do anything I can to protect all animals.. I have forgotten that promise... Then was the 5 days of horror..all my sins...all my promises...where brought in front of me...interrogation...punishment...by unseen individuals..the pain was unbearable..I was begging for mercy..constantly asked which way to choose..the good way (Muslim)...or the bad one (Infidels)...or the middle one (Munafiq). All this, I was sleeping peacefully on my hospital bed. Nobody can imagine what I was going through, my soul was in Hell! The only time I was lessen the pain and burden, was when there were visitors..thank you to Nawwar and Aizat, Intan and Azean, Siti Hanizah, Rasnidayu, Ady Hazman and En Shahnaz, Farah and Ridwan, and all my BBP friends. You have no idea how grateful I am when you guys came to visit me. All this while, my Mum was reading the Quran..when she came to the Surah Al-Kahfi, (A surah about the group of young man who escaped from an evil king by staying in a cave, and was put to sleep..only to be awaken in a new time) the gentle voice came back...I can still remember word for word what he said...because even now, when I am too tired or feeling angry...his voice will come into my dreams..saying these same words.. "Ina...setiap insan Allah ciptakan, tiada yang sia-sia, semua ada tugas masing-masing. Ina istimewa, dan Ina akan satu hari ubah dunia ini dengan kebaikan...Kami dah cuba "cucikan" Ina, tetapi hanya Ina sahaja yang boleh tentukan sama ada Ina akan pilih jalan yang mana. Jangan lupa janji Ina. Sesungguhnya Allah memegang kepada janji-Nya". So here I am, my friends...a new person...given a second chance at life..given life lessons in order to make a difference. I believe even the smallest of people can leave an impact. Whenever you feel that this world has given up on you, always remember this story. Always remember that the road to the Right Path is never an easy one, but you should never give up. I pray that my story will be a reminder to all of you. No one should go through what I have gone through. This is not fiction, or a fragment of my imagination. I have went through this great transformation, endure great pain, lost my memory, relearn even the simplest of things ( one of the first things I asked my Mum was - Rukun Islam ada berapa?) Learn from me, my friends.. Islam is the true path...Allah is the One God...

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

I was forced to confront mortality lately. News of my friends death, some who are younger than me made me realize how short life can be.
I have always been told that this world is a temporary place, a place where God gives tests and trials, and we will be rewarded and (Heaven Forbid) punished for all of our doings.
During my days commuting by public transport, there was this poem by Dylan Thomas that was on the wall of the LRT. I found it beautiful in a melancholic kind of way. So here it is just to share with you guys out there

Do not go gentle into taht good night
Old age should burn and rage at close of day
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Through wise men at their end know dark is right
Because their words had forked no lightning day
Do not go gentle into that good night

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay
Rage, rage against the dying of light

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see the bliding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay
Rage, rage against the dying of light

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce teras, I pray
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.

Life, and death are beyond our control. That's the deal. The only thing is to do what's right, avoid what's not.

I have accepted that Death will come. But it does saddens the heart when you see a Father or a Mother having to live through life, and yet live to see their child's funeral.

Ode to a Friend- Wan Ahmad Fadzil

I received shocking news today..my friend and batch mate - Wan Ahmad Fadzil..has succumbed to his injuries from his accident. Ahmad was attached to Islamabad, Pakistan and returned home to visit his family.


I remembered a conversation we had when i asked him how were things in Pakistan. He told me that it was no picnic working there...he and his family were exposed to danger everyday. I jokingly said (i loved to kid around with him)..he should pray that he dies in Malaysia, among family..so I guess that goes to show that Allah works in mysterious ways.


To anyone who knows him, he will always remain the ever-smiling person, who, in tense situations, will be able to cool the air. That was his forte..his calm and serenity.


This song is dedicated in honour of a great man, taken from us in his youth..so even when we are old and grey (InsyaAllah), Wan Ahmad Fadzil will always remain young, happy and bright...remembered for his kindness and goodwill towards all..



Dust is my bed embracing me
and is my cover

The sands are around me

engulfing me from all directions



And the tomb recounts the story

of the darkness of my calamity

And the light has destined that

my pleasure in meeting (Allah)



Where is the kindness of kin?

They relinquished fidelity

Where are the scores of friends?

They dispensed with my brotherhood

Where is the bliss of money?

I left it behind

And where is the glory of fame and compliments?

That's my end

Dust is my bed..



The beloved bade farewell to his love

and cries my elegy

The tears flow dried out after crying

The vast universe shrank

narrowing my space

The tomb to my corpse become both my land and sky

That's thy end, dust is my bed..

Fear overwhelms my estrangement

and my sadness is my ailment

Hoping for steadfastness

Which is- I swear- my remedy

Sincerely supplicating to the Lord

You are my hope

Hoping - O Allah- for a paradise

In which my bliss shall be attained..

The Reluctant Doctor

I went to watch Tun Mahathir 2 with Azean and Wan Siti last night, thanks to Balqis who offered us RM2 tickets. I didn't manage to catch the first time, so thank goodness for Balqis, because I was unable to get online tickets.

For those who are interested to getting to know Tun M, this is the perfect chance to do so. It gives us another side of Tun M, not the leader that we all know, love and aspire to be, but as a man, who has his own dreams, hopes and weaknesses. I didn't realize that he did not want to become a doctor in the first place, but since his scholarship does not allow him to pursue law, he has to forgo his dream.

Little that he know that there, he will meet the love of his life, and still speak for his countryman, as loud as any lawyer could. which goes to show that Allah definately work in mysterious ways.Overall, I give Tun M2 a 4 star rating, would have been 5 if they made an extra effort to add in more props, because the setting was too simple.

The cast gave a stellar performance, and kudos to Rosminah Tahir for casting good singers. Misha n Elly sounded heavenly. I especially loved a part where Esma Danial (who played the older Tun M) did and interview. I bet he went through that footage for hours because he captured even the tiniest details in Tun's mannerism. It was a joy to watch.

I have to admit..the part where Tun announced his resignantion managed to make me shed a few tears. My heart goes out to Tun M. I was one of the student body in my college, a portfolio that i was not comfortable with, which is the arts. I was groomed to be on the intellectual portfolio, but UM had made a new ruling that only a student with a 2.5 point average is allowed to be chosen as a member of the student body.

But I came to fall in love with my new portfolio, surrounded by my friends who supported me in my decisions and leadership. For once, 2nd College was a formidable opponent in Festival Seni. So when it was time to step down, i had a pang in my heart. Sure, i was more than confident to pass the torch to Esmainura, but a part of me knows that she will have her own aspirations to live for. And means that it might not be the same as mine. There was also a fear that she won't give her heart n soul to the cause, and then my empire would fall into pieces.

Looking back, if I was to feel that way, when i only held the office for a year, how shattered must Tun's heart be when he was forced to step down. Curse the traitor and his family! I for one suffered when i was in college because i was Tun's loyal supporter, when the others went their separate ways..the dark side, if you will.

For all of that he has done, i am truly grateful that Tun M is our PM, and if najib has any sense in him, he should have done somthing like Singapore and appoint Tun as advisor to the government.

As he said in his sajak "Perjuangan yang Belum Selesai"

Bukan kecil tugas kita

Meneruskan perjuangan kemerdekaan kita

kerana rupanya selain memerdekakan

mengisi kemerdekaan itu jauh lebih sengsara

Thank you Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamed, for becoming a hero when all heroes are just a fragment of history

Lessons learnt from Kak Limah

This has got to be the best malay movie in a long...long time. The story line was simple, it was the actors and the dialogue that stole the show.
We have of course :

• Awie as Usin, the guy without the SPM Cert who has returned home after working in Singapore
• Ucop, the ex dancer who has become paralysed (but can miraculously run when he sees Kak Limah)
• Abi Hurairah, ucop's helper and friend
• Pak Abu and Pak Jabir : the two veterans of the film
• Che Nin : the mysterious beauty
• and not forgetting- Kak Limah

A special mention for the two bomohs, the ambulance driver and the fat guy who caused ucop's injuries (sebab kamu la kaki awok jadi camni)

But jokes aside, Mamat Khalid is best known for his satire. I think he is trying to poke fun at Malaysians who love to believe in the powers of the supernatural, and watch ghost stories. Have u noticed the trend Malaysian movies are following..whether its about hantu, evil spirits, witchcraft...its all we are being served today. Even the telly has not escaped this..

So Malaysia, its about time we get rid of this trend, its does only downgrade our taste, but also feeds the minds of our younger generation with rubbish we should have thrown out our belief system a long time ago..

Again..kudos to Mamat Khalid..and if you're reading this...let it be known that Nor Azean has watched your movie 6 times!!

Karaoke Hoooyeaaahh

Ku Ada Kamu - Adira

Di kala ku kehilangan
Di dalam kegelapan
Kau suluhkan sinar petunjuk

Di kala ku kesedihan
kau ukirkan senyuman
Dengan penuh sabar memujuk

Engkau menyambut
Tiap kali aku terjatuh

Chorus :
Andai hari esok langit akan runtuh
Tabahlah menjunjung bersama ku
Andai hari esok dunia gelora
Takkan ku gemuruh selagi ku ada kamu

Di kala aku tak pasti
Kau tampil dengan berani
Membimbing agar lebih yakin

Dan bila hidup penuh soalan
Kau berikan jawapan
Melengkap semua kekurangan

Engkau menyambut..
taip kali aku terjatuh...

-Chorus-

Tidak mungkin diri ini mampu
Hidup tanpa doronganmu

One of my favourite activities with my best buddies is the karaoke session. So everytime we do that, each of us has a list of must-sing songs. Adira's song lately has just been added to this long list of my favourite songs.

I was a bit dissappointed with her performance at AJL25. It is really a great song, if it were sung by someone worthier, it would have a shot at winning the Juara Lagu...Come on...Ana Raffalli?? It was an insult!

But as I know, whomever wins the AJL have no direct consequence to me, but it would have made my long wait worth while, staying up till midnight even though I was having the flu, if Faizal Tahir or Yuna made the cut. But I'm not the jury, so I don't exactly have a say in the matter...except that the jury was really deaf!

On a brighter side, this weekend will be another karaoke session (fingers crossed!)..

So, hopefully I get to belt-out this song, and I can truly say I sing waaaay better than Adira...haha