This is indeed the hardest entry I can ever write. I promised myself that I would pen this experience down..on my birthday, when I am ready. So here I am, on my second day of being 33. A day I thought would never come. A year ago, in the merry month of February, right after Chinese New Year holidays...something happened to me. Depression, my friends, can come in many forms, and are often undetected. So it is very important that we see certain signs especially on the people close to us. A depressed person almost never realize they are depressed...until it is too late. A lot of things happened to me in the past, which made me bitter and angry. But this, was never shown, I was always to be seen as this cheerful person..full of laughs..No one would suspect under these happy exterior was a very dark person, who won't even blink, once deciding to make someone elses life miserable. So at this point of time, I stopped praying. Why, I ask would I pray to a God who has forsaken me? Has made me suffer, misunderstood my intentions? Never answering my prayers? I was, even as a child, has lead many lives, wore many masks. At home, I was the ideal child, obedient...at school, I was the overachiever, craving for success, to be the best. In Uni, I was the formidable opponent, the avenger for the environment. I can tell you from experience, when you stop praying, you have this void that never seems to be filled. Your soul becomes weak, and you look for things that will make you happy. Then suddenly you feel lost. That was the day I lost my soul. It was a normal day at work, I was in front of my PC. It was then..my screen changed. Have any of you received that power point on "40days before your death"? In a nutshell, this was the jist of the presentation : 40 days before : After Asar, you will feel vibrations on your belly button, and hit with a sudden sense of lost - "Check" 7 days before : You have lost your appetite within this 40 days, then suddenly you have to eat uncontrollably - "Check" 3 days before : A pulsating sensation on your forehead, your eyes has lost its shine - "Check" 1 day before : A throbbing pain on your upper forehead (ubun-ubun) and a feeling that you won't be here tomorrow - "Check" On D-Day : Cold sensation from your middle part of the body to your toes. At this point..my eyes were filled with tears..and i tried to say the Syahadah..but I couldn't. Suddenly life is flashed in front of your eyes, you feel regret on the things you have done and have yet to do. Before this episode, I was told that I was behaving peculiar. I was repeating questions..I went to see my SUB, confessing my sins, crying, getting agry (but seriously, I have no recollection on this). Then came The Voice. Basically he told me.."Time is up. You have to die now." Seriously, I kid you not. He told me to go to the end of my office, on the 12th Floor, and throw myself down. No! I told him. I cannot die this way...I am a Muslim..this is not the way to die. He mocked me..a Muslim? But you don't even pray..you don't even believe in Him..so why should you live? But what about my life? I am only 31..I begged for my life, to be given another chance. He asked me..Who is your God? I tried to answer "Allah", but I couldn't. My heart was at my throat..I was so scared. The sky has become dark, and suddenly the world crashed in front of me. There was a faint call of the Azan for Asar. That was the sweetest sound I have ever heard...He then told me this would be the last Azan I would hear. Alhamdulillah..another voice came, a gentle male voice, asking me, "Who would you think can save you now? Call her." I of course, called my Mum. I asked her..Who is the One True God? Is Islam the the Right Faith? Long story short....My mum had to hang up because she had to pray...I can't remember how long I talked to her..I never heard her cry for a long time (I'm tearing up now)...for once in my life..I knew she loved me..I have always regarded her as my enemy.. I remember running down the stairs, to escape the Harsh Voice..Gentle Voice was telling me to fight..The next thing I remember I was in in the hospital...my mother was sleeping next to me...I was then taken back to a time when I loved sleeping with my mum next to me..I was a child, smiling..laughing..promising to my cat..that I would do anything I can to protect all animals.. I have forgotten that promise... Then was the 5 days of horror..all my sins...all my promises...where brought in front of me...interrogation...punishment...by unseen individuals..the pain was unbearable..I was begging for mercy..constantly asked which way to choose..the good way (Muslim)...or the bad one (Infidels)...or the middle one (Munafiq). All this, I was sleeping peacefully on my hospital bed. Nobody can imagine what I was going through, my soul was in Hell! The only time I was lessen the pain and burden, was when there were visitors..thank you to Nawwar and Aizat, Intan and Azean, Siti Hanizah, Rasnidayu, Ady Hazman and En Shahnaz, Farah and Ridwan, and all my BBP friends. You have no idea how grateful I am when you guys came to visit me. All this while, my Mum was reading the Quran..when she came to the Surah Al-Kahfi, (A surah about the group of young man who escaped from an evil king by staying in a cave, and was put to sleep..only to be awaken in a new time) the gentle voice came back...I can still remember word for word what he said...because even now, when I am too tired or feeling angry...his voice will come into my dreams..saying these same words.. "Ina...setiap insan Allah ciptakan, tiada yang sia-sia, semua ada tugas masing-masing. Ina istimewa, dan Ina akan satu hari ubah dunia ini dengan kebaikan...Kami dah cuba "cucikan" Ina, tetapi hanya Ina sahaja yang boleh tentukan sama ada Ina akan pilih jalan yang mana. Jangan lupa janji Ina. Sesungguhnya Allah memegang kepada janji-Nya". So here I am, my friends...a new person...given a second chance at life..given life lessons in order to make a difference. I believe even the smallest of people can leave an impact. Whenever you feel that this world has given up on you, always remember this story. Always remember that the road to the Right Path is never an easy one, but you should never give up. I pray that my story will be a reminder to all of you. No one should go through what I have gone through. This is not fiction, or a fragment of my imagination. I have went through this great transformation, endure great pain, lost my memory, relearn even the simplest of things ( one of the first things I asked my Mum was - Rukun Islam ada berapa?) Learn from me, my friends.. Islam is the true path...Allah is the One God...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Learn From Me
This is indeed the hardest entry I can ever write. I promised myself that I would pen this experience down..on my birthday, when I am ready. So here I am, on my second day of being 33. A day I thought would never come. A year ago, in the merry month of February, right after Chinese New Year holidays...something happened to me. Depression, my friends, can come in many forms, and are often undetected. So it is very important that we see certain signs especially on the people close to us. A depressed person almost never realize they are depressed...until it is too late. A lot of things happened to me in the past, which made me bitter and angry. But this, was never shown, I was always to be seen as this cheerful person..full of laughs..No one would suspect under these happy exterior was a very dark person, who won't even blink, once deciding to make someone elses life miserable. So at this point of time, I stopped praying. Why, I ask would I pray to a God who has forsaken me? Has made me suffer, misunderstood my intentions? Never answering my prayers? I was, even as a child, has lead many lives, wore many masks. At home, I was the ideal child, obedient...at school, I was the overachiever, craving for success, to be the best. In Uni, I was the formidable opponent, the avenger for the environment. I can tell you from experience, when you stop praying, you have this void that never seems to be filled. Your soul becomes weak, and you look for things that will make you happy. Then suddenly you feel lost. That was the day I lost my soul. It was a normal day at work, I was in front of my PC. It was then..my screen changed. Have any of you received that power point on "40days before your death"? In a nutshell, this was the jist of the presentation : 40 days before : After Asar, you will feel vibrations on your belly button, and hit with a sudden sense of lost - "Check" 7 days before : You have lost your appetite within this 40 days, then suddenly you have to eat uncontrollably - "Check" 3 days before : A pulsating sensation on your forehead, your eyes has lost its shine - "Check" 1 day before : A throbbing pain on your upper forehead (ubun-ubun) and a feeling that you won't be here tomorrow - "Check" On D-Day : Cold sensation from your middle part of the body to your toes. At this point..my eyes were filled with tears..and i tried to say the Syahadah..but I couldn't. Suddenly life is flashed in front of your eyes, you feel regret on the things you have done and have yet to do. Before this episode, I was told that I was behaving peculiar. I was repeating questions..I went to see my SUB, confessing my sins, crying, getting agry (but seriously, I have no recollection on this). Then came The Voice. Basically he told me.."Time is up. You have to die now." Seriously, I kid you not. He told me to go to the end of my office, on the 12th Floor, and throw myself down. No! I told him. I cannot die this way...I am a Muslim..this is not the way to die. He mocked me..a Muslim? But you don't even pray..you don't even believe in Him..so why should you live? But what about my life? I am only 31..I begged for my life, to be given another chance. He asked me..Who is your God? I tried to answer "Allah", but I couldn't. My heart was at my throat..I was so scared. The sky has become dark, and suddenly the world crashed in front of me. There was a faint call of the Azan for Asar. That was the sweetest sound I have ever heard...He then told me this would be the last Azan I would hear. Alhamdulillah..another voice came, a gentle male voice, asking me, "Who would you think can save you now? Call her." I of course, called my Mum. I asked her..Who is the One True God? Is Islam the the Right Faith? Long story short....My mum had to hang up because she had to pray...I can't remember how long I talked to her..I never heard her cry for a long time (I'm tearing up now)...for once in my life..I knew she loved me..I have always regarded her as my enemy.. I remember running down the stairs, to escape the Harsh Voice..Gentle Voice was telling me to fight..The next thing I remember I was in in the hospital...my mother was sleeping next to me...I was then taken back to a time when I loved sleeping with my mum next to me..I was a child, smiling..laughing..promising to my cat..that I would do anything I can to protect all animals.. I have forgotten that promise... Then was the 5 days of horror..all my sins...all my promises...where brought in front of me...interrogation...punishment...by unseen individuals..the pain was unbearable..I was begging for mercy..constantly asked which way to choose..the good way (Muslim)...or the bad one (Infidels)...or the middle one (Munafiq). All this, I was sleeping peacefully on my hospital bed. Nobody can imagine what I was going through, my soul was in Hell! The only time I was lessen the pain and burden, was when there were visitors..thank you to Nawwar and Aizat, Intan and Azean, Siti Hanizah, Rasnidayu, Ady Hazman and En Shahnaz, Farah and Ridwan, and all my BBP friends. You have no idea how grateful I am when you guys came to visit me. All this while, my Mum was reading the Quran..when she came to the Surah Al-Kahfi, (A surah about the group of young man who escaped from an evil king by staying in a cave, and was put to sleep..only to be awaken in a new time) the gentle voice came back...I can still remember word for word what he said...because even now, when I am too tired or feeling angry...his voice will come into my dreams..saying these same words.. "Ina...setiap insan Allah ciptakan, tiada yang sia-sia, semua ada tugas masing-masing. Ina istimewa, dan Ina akan satu hari ubah dunia ini dengan kebaikan...Kami dah cuba "cucikan" Ina, tetapi hanya Ina sahaja yang boleh tentukan sama ada Ina akan pilih jalan yang mana. Jangan lupa janji Ina. Sesungguhnya Allah memegang kepada janji-Nya". So here I am, my friends...a new person...given a second chance at life..given life lessons in order to make a difference. I believe even the smallest of people can leave an impact. Whenever you feel that this world has given up on you, always remember this story. Always remember that the road to the Right Path is never an easy one, but you should never give up. I pray that my story will be a reminder to all of you. No one should go through what I have gone through. This is not fiction, or a fragment of my imagination. I have went through this great transformation, endure great pain, lost my memory, relearn even the simplest of things ( one of the first things I asked my Mum was - Rukun Islam ada berapa?) Learn from me, my friends.. Islam is the true path...Allah is the One God...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
I was forced to confront mortality lately. News of my friends death, some who are younger than me made me realize how short life can be.
I have always been told that this world is a temporary place, a place where God gives tests and trials, and we will be rewarded and (Heaven Forbid) punished for all of our doings.
During my days commuting by public transport, there was this poem by Dylan Thomas that was on the wall of the LRT. I found it beautiful in a melancholic kind of way. So here it is just to share with you guys out there
Do not go gentle into taht good night
Old age should burn and rage at close of day
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Through wise men at their end know dark is right
Because their words had forked no lightning day
Do not go gentle into that good night
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay
Rage, rage against the dying of light
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see the bliding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay
Rage, rage against the dying of light
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce teras, I pray
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, Rage against the dying of the light.
Life, and death are beyond our control. That's the deal. The only thing is to do what's right, avoid what's not.
I have accepted that Death will come. But it does saddens the heart when you see a Father or a Mother having to live through life, and yet live to see their child's funeral.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Ode to a Friend- Wan Ahmad Fadzil
I received shocking news today..my friend and batch mate - Wan Ahmad Fadzil..has succumbed to his injuries from his accident. Ahmad was attached to Islamabad, Pakistan and returned home to visit his family.
I remembered a conversation we had when i asked him how were things in Pakistan. He told me that it was no picnic working there...he and his family were exposed to danger everyday. I jokingly said (i loved to kid around with him)..he should pray that he dies in Malaysia, among family..so I guess that goes to show that Allah works in mysterious ways.
To anyone who knows him, he will always remain the ever-smiling person, who, in tense situations, will be able to cool the air. That was his forte..his calm and serenity.
This song is dedicated in honour of a great man, taken from us in his youth..so even when we are old and grey (InsyaAllah), Wan Ahmad Fadzil will always remain young, happy and bright...remembered for his kindness and goodwill towards all..
Dust is my bed embracing me
and is my cover
The sands are around me
engulfing me from all directions
And the tomb recounts the story
of the darkness of my calamity
And the light has destined that
my pleasure in meeting (Allah)
Where is the kindness of kin?
They relinquished fidelity
Where are the scores of friends?
They dispensed with my brotherhood
Where is the bliss of money?
I left it behind
And where is the glory of fame and compliments?
That's my end
Dust is my bed..
The beloved bade farewell to his love
and cries my elegy
The tears flow dried out after crying
The vast universe shrank
narrowing my space
The tomb to my corpse become both my land and sky
That's thy end, dust is my bed..
Fear overwhelms my estrangement
and my sadness is my ailment
Hoping for steadfastness
Which is- I swear- my remedy
Sincerely supplicating to the Lord
You are my hope
Hoping - O Allah- for a paradise
In which my bliss shall be attained..
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